True Life Story: Getting Married Is In A Few Hours But I Am About To Have A Heart Attack
Dear Lively Stones,
Please keep me anonymous. I never thought I would be one of those people who seek advice from complete strangers but here I am. I am a 34 year old strong and independent woman. Its almost mid night where I am, I am about to have a heart attack. Why….because, I am supposed to be getting married in the morning. I had a very rough upbringing, family was broken and I was left to fend for myself at a very young age. Along the way, I picked up some bad vices. I have done everything criminal that young people can do: I have stolen, smoked weed, prostituted, had several abortions, cheated, etc.
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No one believed I would make anything of my life but when I witnessed my best friend murdered in front of me, I had a flashing moment, I realized, I did not want to die despite how hard my life was. So, I decided to go into playing football cos I used to play ball as a child in the streets, I had some talent too. It was during my football playing, I earned a little, so I would go to school at night.
However, I had a lesbian lover…one of the footballers. I felt loved for the first time in my life. I knew it was wrong but I was a messed up kid no one wanted, so to feel wanted by a human being was a feeling I could not say no to. I got a job as a sports coach and then radio sports analyst which I do now as a career. I do not want to get married or have children because I do not want to bring in any child into this world. I feel rage that I was brought into this world and the people who gave birth to me, never gave a sh*t about me.
I have been through so much…I only made it by a stroke of luck. I still struggle with smoking and drinking. I have been in a few relationships but never did any get so serious. Right now, I am in the most serious relationship ever. Its been 3 years. Its been good, infact so good…the first guy I actually fell in love with apart from my lesbian lover. The problem is, he wants to get married to me….I have rejected him twice…broken up with him 3 times…yet he does not want to give up.
Ken, my boyfriend of 3 years is an amazing soul. When I told him a little from my past, he thought it was his mission to save me. Hahaha….I am too broken to be saved…and I have accepted this is the story of my life. But Ken has stood by me….refusing to go. So we made a deal…I will accept his marriage proposal but I am never having children. Ken tried to convince me that I will change my mind after a while….I know myself, I wont. He said ok….lets leave it in God’s hands….
God’s hands? I dont rock with that sh*t….God, if there is one, has been absent in my life for a long time. Tomorrow, July 1st is our wedding. Nothing much, just me, Ken and our small group of friends at the court tomorrow morning. But here I am, almost having a panic attack, a few hours to the wedding….my guts telling me to run away….but my love for Ken holding me down.
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I am scared…by the time some of you are reading this….I may be married…or not….I have broken this wonderful man’s heart twice before….if I ran away….he will h*te me for life….but right now, my whole body is shaking. I have been smoking weed all day…just to get rid of my anxiety. Its not even helping. For the first time, weed cant even help me feel better. I feel like my chest is about to burst. What am I doing? Will I be ok? Will this marriage thing be ok? Or will I be the one to mess things up for ken.
How do married people do sh*t….how do I raise a child that will turn up like me…how long will Ken wait for me to change my mind about having a child? Will he cheat on me to have a child? Will the child be like me? Am sure all the babies I aborted wont even let me be a mother even if I tried. Will the marriage even make it? ken never even knew about my lesbian past…I never told him…but if I did…will that change anything? I feel like Ken does not know certain parts of my past…if he did….will he still want me?
I don’t know what I am doing right now….I just need your advise….
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