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Forgiveness Is Not For Me- I Will Take My Mother’s Boyfriend Secret To My Grave
Please post this. I am doing this for my peace of mind. I have lived a troubled life for a long time and I am tired of keeping this secret. I only ask that you hide my details. We were living in Benin with my parents. I and my siblings were born in a troubled polygamous home. There was always fight and quarrel and not enough to eat.
My mother had 3 of us for our father. And he didn’t even care for us. Things got so bad that my mother ran away from the marriage when I was just 9 years old. She left us to find greener pastures in Lagos. She was away for three years and we truly suffered those three years. She finally came back for us three years later and took us to live with her and her boyfriend in Lagos.
We lived in a one-room apartment in Mushin and even though we were happy to be with our mother, things were still pretty tough. I kept going to school but I was not doing well cos I had so much to do at home to help my mother. My mother was selling food in a bukka. I would help in the morning before going to school and soon as I resumed, I went to help her at the bukka. Me and my siblings did the same.
I could barely make it to JSS 3. By this time, I was getting a lot of attention from boys and men that came to the bukka. My mother encouraged me to ‘smile’ for them so they would keep coming and even tip me. Life was hard. I discovered my mother was the one even paying for the house rent with the boyfriend. The boyfriend was a much younger man and he was more into gambling than making any headway.
My mother by then, had a son for him. As a young teenager, I used to love to dance and listen to music…anytime I got a chance to, I danced to keep myself happy and forget my troubles. Someone invited me to their church, one pentecostal. I joined their dance group and I received praise anytime I danced.
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But a young artist in our neighborhood told me I could make money with my talent. He told me about dancing in clubs and music videos. I told my mother but she refused, saying I was too young. But I kept getting pressure that I could make money from dancing. They talked about artists like Kaffy and many others who dance and get paid.
I decided to lie to my mother that I was going to church all night. That way, I would run to the club to dance and boy…I was good…I got money. A producer hired me for his music videos. I started making money and also started getting involved with men. My mother taught the church was paying me to dance for them.
One day, I was at dancing at the club and saw my mother’s boyfriend with another chic. He was surprised to see me cos I was just 15 years at the time. He was going to tell my mother about me so I begged him not to. If I had sense at the time, I would have also threatened to tell my mother I saw him with a woman but I didnt know better. So, he scared me into believing he would tell my mother.
Except I do something for him. What did he want? He wanted to sleep with me. I had no choice but agreed. So, he kept my secret and was sleeping with me to keep my secret. I began to believe he was in love with me more than he loved my mother. He would say things like he wishes he met me before my mother, he would have married me.
I believed him cos he then left my mother for me. He got his own apartment so I could be his full-time woman. I was 16 years old. I was in a relationship with my mother’s boyfriend and she had no clue. He even became my manager. I took dance as a full career. By this time, my mother knew I was dancing in clubs but she felt comfortable cos I was older…she never knew I started almost three years before.
Eventually, I got pregnant at for him. He told me to get rid of the pregnancy so My mother won’t find out. I did. I also took out 3 pregnancies for him. Our relationship was strange. I thought I was in love. I kept doing his bidding. However, the fourth time I got pregnant, I didn’t know until it was too late to have an abortion. I was five months gone.
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The abortion doctor warned me not to remove it else I could die. My boyfriend denied the pregnancy. Accused me of being a slut and said its not his…he ran away when he finally realized I was going to have his child. I had no one to go to but my mother. I lied to her that I was raped and I didn’t know. My mother was so angry but she is my mother, she couldn’t turn me away. She stood by me and I had my daughter when I was 17 years old.
I could not bring myself to tell my mother that she was raising a child that is a sibling to my younger brother. whom she had for him. I just kept crying secretly. I made enough money from dancing and went into make-up and hair making. It was a long and hard road but things began to pick up for me and today, I run a profitable hair and beauty business.
My experience made me very careful with men. I stayed away from dating and tried to focus on building my life. I met my boyfriend two years ago. He is a nice man and God-fearing. He loves me and loves my daughter. He wants to marry me and we sometimes pray and fast about our coming marriage.
During one of the fasting, he got a revelation that I was keeping a secret from him. He asked me and I told him I don’t have any secrets. He left the matter but days later, he said he dreamt again that I was crying in the dream …begging my mother to forgive me. I looked at him in horror…like what? How did he even get this kind of dream that is so true?
I asked him if he loves me and can truly keep my secret…he said yes…he promised me that no matter how dark the secret is, he will stand by me. I had to tell him the truth about my daughter. He was speechless. Obviously, he didn’t expect this kind of dark secret. He was so quiet and he was like..he will stand by me but that I have to confess to my mother before we can get married.
He said the dream made it seem like if my mother does not forgive me, that our marriage will have issues. Well, much as I believe the dream because it’s so accurate but I can never confess to my mother. You know why…my mother loves this big fool of a man. She kept seeing him and begging him after he dumped her. They are currently even seeing each other, my mother knows he cheats on her but she loves him.
How on earth do I even begin to confess to such a thing? One time I went to see my mother (I live in my own apartment now) and I met him there….he came to our house to see my mother. Our daughter is 4 years old and he was still denying her….but soon as my mother was not looking, he started trying to touch me. I was no longer naive. I told him if he touched me, I would cut off his manhood.
My mother has lived a hard life. The only man she loves is my baby daddy. How do I break this kind of news to her? That would be over for me and her….she would never forgive me. The last time I went to see my mother, she told me that the boyfriend discussed that he will take drinks to her parents this December, to be traditionally married to her. Some men are wicked.
I had no choice but to tell my current boyfriend no I will not tell my mother…she is in love with this fool and even if I tell her…she will not believe me cos the fool is still claiming he is not the father of my daughter. My boyfriend is now saying we have to try and tell my mother or…then the marriage is off. Well…I think I have not a choice but to accept my fate….or how do you think I can ever begin to tell my mother…please advise me.
I am scared. I would rather take this secret to my grave but if you think my mother would ever forgive me …please tell me what to do….
Photo Credit:The Sun
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