Relationship therapist reveals what YOUR attachment style says about your sex life

A relationship therapist has revealed how your emotional attachment style can affect your sex life.

Jeff Guenther, from Oregon, has become a viral sensation on TikTok for often sharing his expertise when it comes to the love and romance departments, and he recently posted a video to his 2.2 million followers breaking down how the different attachment styles can impact what happens in the bedroom.

According to something known as the attachment theory, which was first developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1960s, from infancy, humans develop one of four main ways that they can respond to conflict based off of the environment they grew up in and the care they received.

The four different attachment styles are: avoidant or dismissive, anxious or preoccupied, disorganized, and secure.

Now, Guenther has explained in his viral TikTok video, which was posted last month and has racked up more than two million views, how your attachment style can heavily impact the way you perform during sex.

Guenther referred to two different pieces of clinical research while sharing the information.

First, a book called Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change, by psychologists Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver. The second reference is another book, Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families, by clinical psychologist Sue Johnson.

He broke down three out of four of the attachment styles in the popular TikTok, and revealed why some people are focused more on ‘how they’re performing’ and less on feeling ‘connected’ while having sex with their partners.

He also dished on why some people feel like they need to be intimate to ‘prove’ that they have a ‘loving connection’ with their significant other.

According to Guenther, here’s what your attachment style says about your sex life…

People with avoidant attachment styles are focused mostly on pleasure during sex

According to the therapist, people with avoidant attachment styles are focused mostly on ‘pleasure’ and ‘how they’re performing’ while having sex with their partners.

‘If you have an avoidant attachment style, you typically separate sex and love,’ he explained.

‘Which means, while you’re doing it, you’re likely not focused on the loving and connecting feelings. You’re focused on the pleasure and how you’re performing.’

Psych Central reported that avoidant or dismissive attachment styles can develop if a child has a ‘strained bond with their caregivers’ while growing up.

‘This happens when the child learns they may not be able to rely on others to fulfill basic needs and comfort,’ the outlet added.

People who are avoidants often become distressed and retreat when things go wrong in their life or in a relationship, and they often fear rejection.

Back in June, Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps, a psychologist and author from Basking Ridge, New Jersey, discussed the four attachment styles during an appearance on Alex Cooper’s Call Her Daddy podcast – and she echoed Guenther’s sentiment.

‘Dismissive people are dismissing of closeness with others – they’re not looking for closeness so they’re likely to separate out the sex from the relationship, or keep the sexuality more on the physical level,’ she shared.

‘It’s not deepening the emotional connection for them because one thing that comes with emotional closeness is vulnerability.

‘The dismissive person isn’t going to be vulnerable because they’re pretty sure they’re going to get rejected.

‘[They believe that] the other person is not going to be there for them in some way so they’re not going to be vulnerable.’

People with anxious attachment styles feel like they need to have sex to prove their loving connection

Guenther explained that people with anxious attachment styles are often craving the ‘deep bond’ that you experience during sex – but this can result in a lack of focus on how ‘erotic or pleasurable’ the act can be.

‘If you have an anxious attachment style, you feel like having sex is proof of the intimate and loving connection you have,’ he stated.

‘It can sooth you emotionally because of the deep bond you experience while you’re doing it. There can be a lack of focus on how erotic or pleasurable it can be.’

Those who have an anxious or preoccupied attachment style usually respond sensitively to disagreements, but are often distracted and don’t want to face problems in a relationship.

Becker-Phelps explained on the podcast that this often stems from feeling ‘unlovable’ or ‘unworthy.’

‘If you relate to yourself as unlovable or unworthy, you’re going to feel uncomfortable, you’re going to have a lot of anxiety around [relationships],’ she told Cooper.

‘The [anxious] person, if they let people really see them, then [they believe] they’re going to be rejected because they’re not lovable.’

The doctor added that people with anxious attachment styles will often try to please their partners sexually.

She explained, ‘If you are anxious, you feel like you need to earn the caring, earn the love. An anxious or preoccupied woman may look for ways to sexually please her partner.

‘The more anxiety, the more she might be doing that. It can, at certain points in life, look like promiscuity, like “She’s just throwing it out there,” but she is just trying to get love.’

People with secure attachment styles are more sexually satisfied overall

Guenther claimed in his video that people with secure attachment styles are more sexually satisfied in the long run.

‘Having a secure attachment is associated with higher levels of arousal, intimacy and pleasure,’ he revealed.

‘Securely attached folks report more overall sexual satisfaction, likely because they can feel the loving connection while also focusing on how hot and steamy it can be.’

Psych Central previously reported, ‘If a child can consistently rely on their parents to fulfill their needs growing up, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style.

‘They’ll see relationships as a safe space where they can express their emotions freely.’

You can discover your own attachment style by completing an online survey which can be found here.