Post-wedding anxiety is ‘really common’. Here’s how to cope | Well actually
When Sierra Livermore reflects on her wedding, she remembers the sweet ceremony in her parents’ backyard, dancing at the reception and drinking smoothies in her wedding dress.
But she also remembers the nightmares she had for three months afterward.
“Even on my honeymoon, I had a nightmare where I was still wedding planning,” says Livermore, 24, now a marriage and family therapy intern. “Everyone was fighting with each other, and everything that could go wrong was going wrong.”
Livermore felt guilty and confused about her anxiety.
“When there are things that you still struggle with, it feels like you can’t talk about them because people will assume you’re ungrateful, or they might jump to the assumption that there’s something wrong with the relationship,” Livermore says.
Now Livermore understands she was grappling with “insecurities that were catching up to me” and worries related to presumptions about what marriage should be. But before her epiphany, she felt alone. On social media, she saw brides share how perfect their wedding was, not how anxious they felt.
People often don’t broadcast their post-wedding anxiety, says Landis Bejar, a psychotherapist and the founder of AisleTalk, a therapy and coaching practice that specializes in helping people navigate wedding stress. But in her experience, it is “really common”.
On sites that let you post anonymously, like Reddit and Wedding Wire, people wonder if their anxiety is normal, whether they loved their wedding enough and why they felt anxious after one of the happiest days of their life.
Here’s what you need to know about post-wedding anxiety.
What is post-wedding anxiety like?
Bejar and her colleagues meet with almost all of their clients for at least a few sessions after the wedding to work through residual feelings. In some cases, people only reach out to Bejar after their wedding is over.
Bejar has noticed two major types of post-wedding anxiety. The first occurs when a person is happy about their wedding but still feels anxious regardless.
People ask: “How can I feel anxious about something that went so well?” Bejar says. But it’s valid to feel multiple emotions at once, she explains, and they usually relate to different parts of the experience.
The second occurs when a person feels anxious about elements of the wedding that, in their view, didn’t go well.
Laura Stafford, a professor at Bowling Green State University who’s studied post-wedding depression, has done some early research that aligns with this. New data she’s currently evaluating suggests increases in wedding disappointment predict increases in anxiety, though not to clinical levels.
A common reaction to anxiety is trying to exert control over externalities, and it can become far too easy to hyperfocus on things we can’t change, like what a guest thought of your wedding.
Kelsey Wahl, 37, a marketing professional, says that after her wedding, she couldn’t help but ruminate on some of the decisions she made.
“It went great,” says Wahl. “But I still found myself hyperfixating on things that went wrong or I forgot to do.”
When people have difficulty moving on from an issue, Bejar says something bigger is typically at play. A wedding can be the catalyst for therapy but is often not the core issue.
For example, one of Bejar’s clients kept ruminating over something she didn’t specify to her wedding planner, and thus wasn’t incorporated into her wedding. But in therapy, it came out that the key concern was “her ability to advocate for herself”, says Bejar. That issue had emerged in work and family contexts too.
What causes post-wedding anxiety?
Putting on any event can be stressful, let alone one that, for many, is larger, more expensive and more important than any other. There’s no do-over when it comes to a wedding, and sitting with that can be hard, says Bejar.
Weddings are culturally expected to be “the happiest day of your life”. Our brains are prediction-making machines, explains Erik Nook, an assistant professor of psychology at Princeton University and a licensed clinical psychologist. He explains that when we hold strong expectations of how things should be, any minor deviations from those expectations will generate emotions.
These deviations can also “trigger some checking behaviors after the fact”, says Nook. This means we might ruminate about whether everything really did go well.
after newsletter promotion
When Stafford studied brides’ reactions to Covid-19 affecting their weddings, she found the disruption actually caused some to feel less stressed.
“They realized it couldn’t be perfect under the circumstances,” she says. “There was less pressure.”
Studies also show that major positive life events can be stressful and alienating. This is because they “tax our physiological system and mental capabilities and because people often invalidate you for feeling stressed about them”, Nook says. “That in and of itself can trigger a lot of self-judgment and compound the stress.”
Nook says it makes sense that your body feels depleted and your mind unsure after a high-intensity social event. Because you feel so taxed, you might question if something is wrong or label that uncertainty as anxiety.
Janelle Doll, 33, a consultant, felt it was important that her guests had a meaningful and fulfilling time at her wedding. Afterward, she felt unsure if they had.
“I found myself asking: ‘If I had done things differently, would we have all enjoyed it more?’” she says.
Research suggests it’s harder to make subtle distinctions between your feelings when you’re more stressed. This could explain why some people have a hard time sorting through their feelings after their wedding.
“You understand your emotions quite differently when you’re stressed,” says Nook. “Things are a bit more muddled.”
How to cope with post-wedding anxiety
Certain events can provoke automatic thoughts and feelings. Before your wedding, it can be worthwhile to think about your mental “auto-completes”, says Nook. For example, feeling uncertain might cause you to be unkind to yourself. Being mindful of this can influence how you interpret events. If you can’t break out of anxious loops, working with a therapist can also be helpful, Nook adds.
Bejar suggests combating post-wedding anxiety with self-validation and compassion. Remind yourself that it makes sense to feel stressed and that it’s OK to need support.
“We need to normalize that weddings don’t go perfectly,” she says. “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be great.”
Despite how much she loved her wedding, Emily Niksefat, 34, a senior copywriter, found herself combating intrusive thoughts afterward. Having candid conversations with some of her guests helped, as did remembering how she felt as a guest at other weddings.
“I realized I would never have these mean thoughts about another bride, so why am I doing this to myself?” says Niksefat.
Nook recommends reflecting on what went well – and catching yourself when you repeatedly want to discuss what didn’t. You can also practice savoring your memories and positive reminiscence: for instance, write a list of what you enjoyed about the wedding, look back at photos, and read through your guest book or cards.
“Dare to trust,” Nook says. “When people tell you this was a wonderful day, trust that they really mean it and are not harboring some sort of inner critique.”
Speak now: A Guardian guide to the realities of a modern wedding
