It’s not bin a great year. Let’s trash a few things in 2022

December 29, 2021 Stan

MY New Year Resolution for 2022 is to be gratuitously offensive to someone at least once a day.

Hell, we’re not on this planet for long. You’ve got to maximise your pleasure and get the best out of life.

2021 hasn't been a great year but lets bin the bad stuff for 2022 — 2021 hasn’t been a great year but lets bin the bad stuff for 2022

Also, to drink substantially more alcohol and to glue up the cogs on my exercise bike.

Because it’s not been the best of years, once again, has it?

If Covid doesn’t get you then the gas bills will. That or the screeching woke nutters.

Or BoJo with his epic incompetence and his Cabinet of gibbons and dingbats, Priti Patel and Liz Truss duly excepted.

I don’t think people will look back at 2021 all misty-eyed and nostalgic. Unless they enjoyed being imprisoned for ten days in one of those grim airport quarantine hotels, having just come back from a winter sun break in Lanzarote.

Or got a weird kick out of wearing a mask and breathing heavily in the fruit and veg aisle in Waitrose.

The hope, then, is that 2022 will turn out a whole lot better.

I have to say, I don’t quite see it right now. Not with the medics screaming blue murder every time someone catches a cold.

Nor with the cost of living rising faster than my blood pressure.

But still, we have to hope. And if 2022 is to be an improvement on 2021 then here are a few things I fervently hope come to pass.

Here are my wishes for the coming year.

The SAGE scientists to have their modelling kits replaced with Lego, or Meccano (if there still is Meccano). Just to keep them occupied. The predictions for Omicron have been beyond absurd. They want us to close down the country for a bad case of the sniffles.
Reduce the isolation period for people with Omicron to five days or, better still, no days at all. The crisis in the NHS isn’t only a consequence of the virus but of the measures we have taken against the virus.
All schools to remain open all year with no masks, no social distancing. The kids have had an awful two years and it has to stop. They were at scant risk from the original virus — and pretty much none at all from Omicron. Let them get on with their lives and their education.
The Government to stop the badger cull immediately. And Government ministers to be sent into fields to apologise, in person, to badgers. The cull has been next to useless in stopping bovine TB — as well as being a senseless waste of the lives of these charming and polite animals.
The England cricket team to be sacked and replaced with 11 plaster garden lawn ornaments. Including a gambolling otter, a gnome with a fishing rod and a heron with a trout in its beak. Then we might nick a draw against Bangladesh.
Institutions, advertisers and corporations to finally grasp that the majority of the country finds woke virtue-signalling an absurdity. Divisive and corrosive identity politics to be placed in a black plastic rubbish bag and then put in the recycling bin of history. To be collected on a Thursday.
The Conservative Party to start acting like a conservative party. Boris Johnson to start acting like a prime minister. Rather than like an inflated pig’s bladder on a stick. We don’t find the Peppa Pig, party-all-nite, contracts-to-my-mates stuff funny any more, Johnson. And all that schtick was never terribly funny in the first place. You built up credit by getting Brexit over the line. And winning in great style in 2019. But that credit has been frittered away and is now overdrawn. Either sort yourself out, you albino lummox, or resign. Not many of us want to wake up with David Lammy as Foreign Secretary. And those that do should be in a funny farm.
All those awful luvvie actors who made millions out of JK Rowling’s work then seemingly disowned her to be given new roles as elves or the are of a reindeer at Honest Bob’s Brilliant Winter Wonderland in Grimsby. Yes Radcliffe, Watson and Grint — I’m talking about you.
Katie Price to stop whining to the media every time she does something deranged or stupid.
All landowners, beginning with the Ministry of Defence and the Church of England, to ban trail hunting on their grounds. If you bozos still think those pink-jacketed psychos are simply following a trail and not chasing foxes, then you have the IQ of lichen.
The entire world to respect, utterly and totally, Harry and Meghan’s demands for privacy, so that we never ever have to hear from either of them again.
Any student who becomes upset by hearing a view which differs from his or her own to cease being a student immediately. That’s the point of education, you drongos — to hear a multiplicity of ideas. Not just to confirm your own asinine world viewpoint.
Anti-vaxxers to suddenly see the light. Preferably before they’re in intensive care and about to croak it.
Heinz to re-launch Toast Toppers, especially the mushroom one. I don’t care how many E numbers it has in it, or how salty it is. Just bring it back, now.
The Government to provide financial support to the poorest of us who cannot afford the whopping rise in energy prices. Further, the Government to issue bonds to help pay for the debts we have accrued as a consequence of the pandemic.
Cristiano Ronaldo to end his brief stay at Manchester United. Rumours are he’s looking for a way out. Free transfer to Millwall is the answer, matey. Where Gary Rowett will probably play him as an auxiliary centre half.
The excellent Noel Gallagher to realise he has no need to start a new political party. Noel has been (rightly) slagging off Labour. And said he might start a new party of his own. Come and join us in the Social Democrats, Noel. We’re the only one left which cares about the working man and woman. Membership’s a fiver, by the way.
Britain to recognise Taiwan and open a full embassy there. Ukraine to be invited to join Nato. That should give both China and Vladimir Putin something to think about. Oh and let’s recognise the rights of the Kurds to independence and the rights of Armenia to the chunks of it nicked by Azerbaijan. That will get right up the nose of the awful Turkish president, Recep Erdogan.
The French president Emmanuel Macron to lose heavily in the April elections. I don’t really care who to. Then he can sit by himself, in the dark, seething with rage that we’re eating all his feesh.
The American public to realise that they made a truly terrible mistake in electing Joe Biden. Even if the only alternative was that madman Trump. Looks like they’re already realising it, mind. Especially in those Democrat-voting cities which decided they didn’t need a police force. And thus now resemble Syria.