Help-My Marriage Is Finally Crashing Because Of Addiction
True Life Story: Help-My Marriage Is Finally Crashing Because Of Addiction
Dear Lively Stones,
Please I need some advise. I blame myself mostly for the marital problems I have but right now, I feel like I am stuck and I need a way out for the future of my daughter and myself. I met my husband Cliff in my workplace three years ago. Cliff was related to the MD of the company, he is the nephew, the MD’s sister’s son. He got the job because the family wanted the MD to mentor Cliff because Cliff was a former drug and s3x addict.
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I was working in their HR department and most of the issues Cliff had with managers came to HR. The MD then begged me to help him mentor Cliff. I got close to Cliff through the mentoring process. I got to find out how he got caught up in drugs and s3x. He is an only child of his mother, the woman spoiled him and he got involved with bad friends in the US. Now he is back to naija and he wanted to turn his life around.
Our friendship grew and Cliff actually became a very good person through my influence under five months. Everyone was singing his praises. Cliff took everything about his job serious and he did so well in the IT department that he won an award as the most productive team member of the department. We became romantically involved…we eventually got married and his family are totally in love with me, grateful for being a positive influence on their son’s life.
Things were smooth until I got pregnant. For some reason, Cliff’s libido spiked during my pregnancy and I tried to keep up but pregnancy hormones and tiredness made it difficult for me. Cliff started acting strange with his sexual frustrations. I noticed he was getting close to one young girl at work. I asked him what was going on with the girl and he said nothing. But I knew it was nothing.
My suspicions were confirmed by a colleague who told me that the girl was sleeping with Cliff. I confronted Cliff and he did not deny it…he even apologized…he said its just s3x….nothing serious. We talked about it and we agreed he would end it. But few weeks later, it was Cliff who came to me and said he needs to confide in me, he said he was struggling with his old s3x addictions.
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That he is constantly having the urge for s3x and he has been hiding from me that he is sleeping with call girls. My heart sank. I was so upset and disappointed. But I tried to remain calm. I told him he needs to decide if he wants to go back to his old ways and if he does, he will loose me and the baby. I look at Cliff and I see he is struggling…he loves me and does not want to hurt me but he has fallen back to his habits.
Things got so bad that we stopped speaking to each other. Cliff was also taking drugs. For my sanity, the family asked me to move to the family house cos having Cliff around was affecting my mental health and the baby. I gave birth to our beautiful daughter and Cliff was not even sober enough on that day. The family has decided to send Cliff back to the rehab but from what Cliff told me, rehab only makes things worse for him.
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I am confused on how to help my husband. He used to listen to me before but now, he does not. I blame myself for trusting a former drug & s3x addict…I should have known that they can never change. My daughter is almost 6 months old. Her father and I are not really on good terms because of his issues. I have started thinking that perhaps, this whole marriage is a mistake but his mom and family are begging me not to leave. They have promised to make sure me and my child do not lack anything.
The thing is, I am not happy….if I stay in this marriage but I really don’t have a husband in real sense….how do I cope? My mother inlaw said to me that I can be allowed to have a secret lover as long as I do not embarrass the family. They feel if I divorce Cliff, he will completely fall apart. I love Cliff….but should I give up my own happiness just to please him and his family? Is having a secret lover going to be enough?
I need a man who loves me proudly and treat me like a queen and not a community dick. I cant even sleep with my husband for fear of getting STDs. Like I said, I really blame myself but as my daughter is turning one year old in October, I am seriously thinking of walking away….I need advise…my family is supporting whatever decision I make but its hard…I am also struggling with leaving cos I feel bad for abandoning my husband because he is sick…like I made a vow for better or for worse….
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Its just that this is getting worser by the day. Our marriage is not even up to two years…is this how the rest of our lives will be like? The mother believes if I stay, the way I changed Cliff before, I can be able to change him again. I feel so helpless…I need some advise…what should I do?
Anonymous
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