Gutfeld: CNN lost its most ‘Reliable Source’

Do you want to know how the media manipulates the news? Well, watch what happens when they become the news. 

CNN: A stunner here at CNN today. This morning, CNN President Jeff Zucker announced his resignation effective immediately. 

BRIAN STELTER: His resignation is stunning this newsroom and the news industry. 

CNN HOST: It’s a tough day here at CNN. 

STELTER: It is because this is a huge surprise, and it leaves a leadership void. 

CNN SCANDAL: JEFF ZUCKER, ALLISON GOLLUST GAVE GOV. CUOMO COVID ‘TALKING POINTS’ TO COMBAT TRUMP, REPORT SAYS

That’s so funny. They’re shocked. They just had no idea, including Capt. Donut, whose turf is media scandal. 

So like my creepy baby shoe collection, this story just doesn’t add up. Do you really think this is about a relationship between two consenting, divorced adults? And if you do, do you mind sharing half of what you’re huffing with me?

Or does it feel like yet another story created by CNN to dupe everyone else? It appears they already fooled their anchors, the equivalent of peekaboo with an infant. 

But CNN’s the expert on deflection. 

First, it was Trump in Russia — four years of hysteria which turned out to be more fake than Kamala’s laugh. There was impeachment theater, which kept their viewers busy, so they missed the COVID outbreak. And there was the crime wave, something that CNN mocked. 

To deflect from their culpability, they made Jan. 6 their 9/11. Fact is, Zucker should have been fired out of a cannon into the East River over those huge errors in those tiny, tiny ratings. 

But they’re saying it’s about a relationship, which is like saying Al Capone was arrested for tax evasion. It’s B.S., which stands for b——- and Brian Stelter, yeah, like he was shocked. 

Well, maybe he was shocked that a woman would sleep with Zucker, a guy who came in second behind Stelter in a George Costanza look-alike contest. 

When “Radar Online” was about to report on Zucker’s indiscretion, CNN had Stelter run a story aiming to discredit it — and that was a month ago when he called the story garbage and a lie, which sounds exactly like something Zucker would order his minion to do. 

So he knew. But it gets dumber. 

The lady Zucker was romantically involved with his Allison Gollust, or Go-Lust, a senior VP at CNN, Gollust admitted the relationship, saying, “Jeff and I have been close friends and professional partners for over 20 years. Recently, our relationship changed during COVID. I regret that we didn’t disclose it at the right time.” 

So, yeah, it changed during COVID, like it was a symptom of omicron. Apparently there Moderna jab came in the form of Cupid’s arrow. That’s almost as real as this great moment in CNN COVID journalism. 

CHRIS CUOMO: Alright, here is the official reaction from the basement cleared by CDC. Sweating, just worked out — happens. This is what I’ve been dreaming of. 

You can dream a lot now, but the COVID thing, it’s a lie. Everyone knew about this affair for years. Hell, it was in Katie Couric’s book, and like Don Lemon stupidity, it was accepted. 

So as I used to say to Steve Doocy when he tried to sell me counterfeit Viagra, I’m not buying it. Not again. The outrage we’re hearing about now is just a cover, like Andrew Cuomo killing nursing home residents, but getting forced out for sexual harassment, this was the scandal that was convenient. 

We know Fredo was secretly using his job to help his brother, and he got canned. 

And the lady that Zucker was in a relationship with also worked once for Andrew Cuomo, and according to the New York Post, was helping him out now. 

It’s like what we’ve always been saying about the DNC and the media. They’re literally all in bed together. So this isn’t about the “affair.” It’s that Zucker was smart enough to use the affair to get out of CNN on the tail-end of some other truly gross CNN scandals — that’s clever timing. 

He looks better. But what do I know? I get all my investigative chops from Scooby Doo when this whole time I should have been watching “To Catch a Predator.” 

And yet, they worry about Joe Rogan becoming more trusted than their pathetic station. 

STELTER: Not all opinions are created equal. You think about major newsrooms like CNN that have health departments and deaths and operations that work hard on verified information on COVID-19. And then you have talk show stars like Joe Rogan who just wing it, who make it up as they go along, and because figures like Rogan are trusted by people that don’t trust real newsrooms, we have a tension, a problem that’s much bigger than Spotify.

Oh, stop your crying or you’ll melt yourself, Frosty. Instead, why not ask yourself why Americans trust a stoner more than they trust you? But you got bigger worries. 

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What happens to “Reliable Sources” when your most reliable source just resigned? And who’s going to protect the anchors as they bleed more viewers than a 50-pound sack of leeches? 

It’s like the network gets hemophilia. But it’s funny. The guy in charge of media scoops misses the scoop right under his nose. 

Perhaps he was too busy watching Fox to see what was happening around him and ignoring the obvious. Well, that could be dangerous. 

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So, about CNN, a famous man once said, “You can keep painting a turd, but that turd still stinks.” That famous man was me. I came up with it while I was watching Jesse getting his makeup done. 

To me, CNN is like a decent car that got carjacked. When it’s recovered, it’s defiled, destroyed — the upholstery shredded, the seats are stains. Someone peed in the glove compartment, and the owner wants the insurance company to total it so he could just get something new.

That’s CNN — the once-decent network that got carjacked by creeps who turned it into a conflict-chasing conduit for clickbait. 

If that sentence had any more Cs, it would be Joe Biden’s report card. 

And like Joe, the brand is a shell of its former self. It’s the Joe Biden of networks — old, mean-spirited and can’t draw a crowd. And constantly trying to forget what it just did because it’s so embarrassing. 

CNN, the most trusted name in rouse. I say, tear it down. Start over. Get a new boss who isn’t the old boss. I know just the guy. Yeah, why not?

After all the crap that went down over there, this has to be a step up. 

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the February 3, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”