At time of spiralling inflation, the Bank of England has a plan… helping men get pregnant
GREAT Britain 2023 has never been such a s**tshow.
Strikes, spiralling inflation, immigration, impending property doomsday, political unrest and, well, general, low-level misery.
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THANK GOD THEN for the Bank of England, the one institution with the power to get us all out of this grim economic bind.
Because, at time of perilous civil upheaval, OUR CENTRAL BANK HAS A PLAN!!!
Drum roll . . . gender-neutral toilets and helping men get pregnant.
Hurrah! If this doesn’t bring down inflation, nothing will!
Yep, in a plot twist straight out of a dystopian horror movie, the Bank has stated that people of any gender identity can get pregnant.
The Bank of England understands simple human biology as much as it does the economy. Which is not very much.
In a 103-page blueprint, showcasing its woke LGBTQ credentials to controversial lobby group Stonewall, it has also detailed its commitment to gender-neutral lavatories.
Crucially, as the rest of us worry about putting food on the table, it has detailed plans to “upgrade” existing loo facilities, including seventh-floor unisex lavatories.
As an extra, inflation-busting boon, it revealed it also recently introduced a “family leave” policy, including the word “birthing parent” to mean mother.
The bank’s parental bereavement leave policy, meanwhile, talks about “parents without specifying gender”, meaning “the parent who is/was pregnant with the child but includes persons of any and all gender identities”.
And in April 2021, the organisation’s LGBT network emailed all governors and executive directors “to encourage support of LGBT+ inclusion”.
Indeed, five governors and executive directors attended a meeting of the “LGBT+ and allies” steering group and eight signed up for reverse mentoring.
It also recently placed “trigger warnings” in its museum, telling visitors they may find it “emotional and traumatic” to view displays about its distant links to the slave trade.
In addition, staff have also been encouraged to articulate their pronoun preferences and whether they should be addressed as “she/her” or “he/him”.
And to think I just thought they had to be handy with a calculator.
Finally, Governor Andrew Bailey’s under-pressure Bank also offers to help staff pay for gender reassignment treatment using private medical insurance.
Insurance for the Bank’s 4,000 employees covers treatments for pelvic surgery “needed to treat gender dysphoria”.
Pelvis surgery — cost-of-living crisis sorted!
So yep, as the country gets ready to implode, it’s just massively reassuring to know our great financial institution, the world’s eighth-oldest bank, has its priorities right.
Woke willy waving
After buggering it all up with recent interest rate hikes, at least Bailey and co are making good now and really channelling their energies into the pressing economic matters of the day.
Having spiked rates to their highest level since 2008, inflation remains at 8.7 per cent — more than four times the two per cent target for the Bank.
Still, good to know a male banker can chestfeed.
The Bank of England’s 17th-century building in the City is known as The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street.
Which, really, is apt as, more than three centuries later, the Old Boys’ Club continues to make a mockery of women.
This woke willy waving does nothing but further erase us. It’s beyond insulting.
Understandably, women’s groups, including Mumsnet, are up in arms.
As one member succinctly posted on the forum: “I’d rather they just concentrated on their job, which is banking, rather than p***ing about like they are currently doing in things that concern their business not at all.” Quite.
FASHION SHOP OR PORN?
AT the risk of sounding all Mary Whitehouse, this just needs to stop now.
Browsing Asos the other day (for a holiday bikini) I was confronted by a raft of OnlyFans-esque models.
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Some of the shots – a*e to camera, suggestive trout pouts and t*ts out – were bordering on soft porn.
Schoolchildren and gift-searching grannies browse Asos. Such over-sexualisation is both weird and deeply inappropriate.
BOOS TO NO BOOZE
WE are drinking more non-alcoholic beers and spirits than ever before.
These Britons aren’t my sort of Britons.
Research by Tesco shows record sales of the sober stuff, with sales of no/low beer 25 per cent higher in June than in January.
No, no, no.
The only dry summer I want comes in the form of global warming and a nice heatwave, please.
I’VE TRIED WFH…AND IT’S A PAIN IN BUTT
SHIRKING from home ain’t all visits to the fridge and afternoon Netflix.
Turns out shoddy WFH desk set-ups are contributing to a sharp rise in people suffering long-term sickness and going on benefits.
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I’m not surprised.
Every Monday I write this column from home, hunched up like the ape off of the stages of the evolution of man diagram.
Wedged into a cheap, coffee-stained, panic-bought Amazon chair, by the end of the day everything – EVERYTHING – aches.
Just when will we learn that working from home really isn’t some kind of corporate elixir, it’s simply a physio-bill-in-waiting.
Dead mum hurled at Pink. Un-Brielievable
TOM Jones had it easy. Where once upon a time overexcited fans would throw their knickers at pop stars, today things are getting dark.
A new Gen Z craze for hurling odd objects mid-show is as weird as it is sinister. Last week American superstar Pink was confronted by a bag of ashes – yes, a fan’s actual dead mum.
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And a few days ago the poor soul had a giant wheel of Brie cheese lobbed her way.
Meanwhile, Bebe Rexha recently needed stitches after a crowd member lamped her with a mobile phone, and Harry Styles was left squinting when a fan launched Skittles in his eye.
Enough, kids.
LIQUID BURIAL? NO, TA
AS previously written, I’ve meticulously planned my funeral down to the VERY LAST DETAIL.
Elton’s I’m Still Standing will belt out as my decomposing little body is slowly lowered, friends and family WAILING from the touchlines, six feet under.
Er, but not if Co-op Funeralcare has anything to do with it.
“Aquamations”, ie water funerals, are officially coming to Britain, essentially meaning people will be liquified when they die.
The process involves rapidly decomposing a corpse in a stream of water and alkaline chemicals – leaving only liquid and bones. Yum.
Liquidation is, apparently, a more eco-conscious alternative to burials and cremations.
Frankly, when I’m a small pile of steaming liquid and bone, I won’t be giving too much of a toss about the planet.
Sorry Co-op.
IT’S NOT COOL TO BE FAT
OVERWEIGHT teens don’t think they’re fat, a new study has warned.
Changing perceptions of body image mean that young people are increasingly underestimating their own body weight and refusing to diet or exercise.
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Sure, it’s great that models no longer have to be anorexic-thin, collarbones aren’t a marker of bodily success and “dad bods” are cool.
But fat kids aren’t cool, they’re an NHS burden in the making.
Idolising morbidly obese singers, influencers and box-ticking models isn’t the way to go about it.
“BoPo” – body positivity – isn’t just a woke fad, it’s a criminally dangerous one.
