Greg Gutfeld: Here’s my advice for airlines dealing with unruly passengers

First, some encouraging news about the pandemic.

A sampling today from wastewater facilities in Florida found that 100 percent of them contained the omicron strain, meaning it was in everyone’s poop.

Now I know that sounds bad, except that when it comes to people seeking treatment for COVID, it’s all about the delta variant. Meaning that omicron might be everywhere, but it’s mild.

Now, when asked how they could tell it was omicron and not the delta variant in the wastewater, the spokesman replied, “It just tasted different.”

All that work for a poop joke.

But it’s true.

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So speaking of COVID insanity, I’ll be flying out tomorrow to do an event in Scottsdale, Ariz., and I’m really looking forward to it. The event, but not the flying.

Frankly, I’d rather have a threesome with Joy Behar and a weed whacker.

I told you about the last time I flew, it was like a flashback of fifth grade detention, and this time I wasn’t the bully.

It was then, on an airline named after a COVID variant, that I was lectured by a flight attendant who was as mean as a centipede with gout.

The angry airbag threatened me with a warning because my mask slipped below my nose. So I said to her: How else am I going to snort these lines?

I was kidding. She wasn’t. She said she would write me up. And they’re wondering why some passengers are losing their cool. Because the airlines are blaming us rather than solving the basic problems underlying the conflicts.

Axios is now reporting that airline crews are making even more changes, so they can stop being afraid to go to work. Right. They’re scared of you, the passengers.

The changes included mandatory self-defense training, an industry-wide no-fly list for disruptive passengers, and the end of to-go cups for alcohol. Why not just kill me.

But yet none of that is really going to help. Why not add some conflict resolution training instead, or at least some training on how to avoid escalating a conflict. Or maybe using please and thank you. Or maybe ask your loyal customers like me for advice instead of running to the government for bail-outs and bans.

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Here’s my advice, Delta, AA, United and everyone else sucking at the teat of the taxpayers.

Remember that even though you own the skies, you don’t own us. And like one of Charlie Sheen’s wives, once we figure out an alternative, we will leave.

Then your swanky plane becomes just another Greyhound bus.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You could treat everyone the way you would like to be treated. Like human beings. Don’t go from zero to Alec Baldwin the moment someone’s mask drops.

Because this hostility seems to be spreading.

So, airlines, I want to help you. We’re all going through this together. But it won’t help by polarizing us even more.

I mean, who’s giving you customer service advice anyway, Anthony Fauci?

I get it, there have been crazy, violent passengers. And I’ve flown with some amazing flight crews. The very best. Some of them don’t even make me sit in a booster seat.

But I’ve also been with some jerks.

Still, the nice people far outweigh the jerks.

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So if I won’t smear an industry because of some overzealous workers, maybe don’t punish the law-abiding due to a few nutbags. Let’s be fair to each other.

And frankly, it’s more fun to be duct-taped to a chair consensually.

So here’s a Gutfeld rule: Don’t treat us like war criminals because our mask slipped. Believe it or not, sometimes masks do slip. It doesn’t mean I’m trying to open the emergency exit.

And besides, we pretty much know that masks are pointless. The science of plane air filtering technologies shows that their advanced filtration systems remove nearly all air contamination.

Hell, maybe we should make all rooms like airplane cabins. The CEOs of two of the largest airlines said this week that the government’s mask mandates while flying serve little to no benefit at all.

GARY KELLY, SOUTHWEST AIRLINES CEO: I think the case is very strong that masks don’t add much, if anything, in the air cabin environment. 

SCOTT KIRBY: UNITED AIRLINES CEO: The airplane is the safest place you can be indoors. It’s because of the air filtration. 

QUESTION: Safer than a theater? 

KIRBY: Far safer, safer than an intensive care unit, because we have HEPA-grade filters. 

Wow! By the way, guys, thanks for treating that like classified information for the last two years.

What do you guys have, shares in the acme mask company?

That’s actual science. Not bulls— opinion from a quack on CNN.

But even the morons in the press prefer to punish us anyway.

MSNBC GUEST: I’m just not sure I’d be at all comfortable getting on a plane if no one was wearing a mask. 

JOE SCARBOROUGH: We all, for people who have traveled through the years, somebody sneezes a row up, and you and your family have the flu for the next two weeks. … That seems a little crazy.

Yeah, that’s science. How ’bout that? Real science says you don’t need masks, but you’d still better wear them, or these mid-wits will complain.

I tell you, there’s a virus of stupidity going around, and they’re super-spreaders.

I’ve been a big supporter of the airlines throughout this, and I love the flight crews, some say a little too much. Depending on the hub.

But now, sadly, for some workers, and you know who they are, they’re just using this as an excuse to exercise power.

The fact is, using this to pit the crew against the customers only creates more of these flighty fascists and yet, more conflict. It’s almost as bad as forcing us to watch CNN at the airport gates.

So yeah, I’ll be wearing a mask on a flight to Arizona.

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It might even be made of leather. It’s on loan from Mike Huckabee. Animal.

But I hope that I’m treated with the same respect that I treat all of the great people that are going to work that flight. Or maybe I just said that now so I don’t get detention tomorrow.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the Dec. 17, 2021, edition of “Gutfeld!”